Why Sensitive Humans struggle more in Love (and have Insecure Attachment
For pretty much all of my twenties, I was confused in love.
I rarely liked anyone, but when I did - I would get fully consumed. My boundaries, self care, and needs would all go out the window in soak up (and ideally progress) this deep, soulful connection.
The problem was - most of these men were emotionally or even physically unavailable.
They liked me too (that type of chemistry & connection rarely is only one sided), but they never wanted to actually progress the relationship to partnership.
I would spend so much time overthinking, analyzing, reflecting, and strategizing about the relationships. Unanswered texts would send me on a tailspin, leading me to believe that my issue was simply that I was Anxiously Attached.
And I resonated deeply with the ideas in the book Attached, and set off to find a therapist to help me “solve the problem.”
The problem was - I always only trying to solve a fraction of the problem.
The truth was, I was a highly sensitive person. An HSP, for those who are familiar with the term.
As an HSP, you feel EVERYTHING so much more deeply. You are taking in way more stimuli from your environment, so it’s easy to become overwhelmed - on dates for example. You are extremely aware of subtleties in human interactions and otherwise, so it’s easy to read into slight mood or energetic shifts - including emojis in a text. You have a high need to process, so it’s inevitable to spend time reflecting (and overthinking) your connections. Love feels like ecstasy, breakups feel like the lowest low imaginable.
Perhaps most profoundly (for me), HSPs have an extremely high need for emotional connection and desire to share the richness of their inner worlds with another. When they find a “match” in this space, it can feel like they finally are seen and understood in a way that they often have craved their entire life. It can be VERY tough to separate from those connections, regardless of how “healthy” they are.
And as far as attachment wounds go - sensitive humans often have insecure attachment styles. It makes a lot of sense when you think about it - as a child, you are feeling much more deeply, so micro traumas like bullying or a parent’s harsh words might leave a deeper imprint in your subconscious.
Also, sensitive children are often extremely overwhelmed by the world, and they need a LOT of support. Most parents don’t have the capacity to provide that extent of support, which often leads children feeling vulnerable and unsafe in the world. With that, they have more “unmet needs” as children, which leads them to try to get those needs met by romantic partners in adulthood.
Lastly, because sensitivity is not necessarily celebrated in US culture, many sensitive children are seen as “weird” or that “something being wrong with them.” In fact, I have a distinct memory of playing alone at recess in the second grade. In fact, it wasn’t until a teacher asked me why I wasn’t playing like the other kids that it occurred to me that I was different - and that might not be a good thing.
As a result, sensitive children often grow up to be adults who struggle in love.
They choose less healthy partners because of a desire for emotional intensity and/or in attempt to get their childhood wounds resolved
They struggle with boundaries because of their deep empathy
They feel the pains of adult heartbreaks so much more deeply, causing them to protect their hearts
They lose trust in their own inner wisdom and intuition when dating, especially after choosing unhealthy partners
They avoid conflict - it’s too overwhelming
They overthink & overanalyze - they notice the subtleties and are trying to “make sense” of the situation
They project - they read people easily and immediately put them in a box to stay safe
The good news is that when you can use your power of sensitivity as your greatest gift versus your Achilles heel, you can be an incredibly empathetic partner, intuitive & wise in dating, and cultivate a rich, deep relationship.
Being an HSP in of itself is not a problem to be solved.
What is a problem is the way that it can manifest in dating & relationships when you aren’t navigating your sensitivity consciously - as anxiety, overwhelm, and pain. Plus, as lack of boundaries, inauthenticity, suppressed needs, fear of conflict, and sometimes unfulfilling or unhealthy dynamics.
I believe that with the right tools, strategies, and subconscious healing work - HSPs can thrive in love.
HSPs should not settle. Since they are so impacted by their environment (including their partner, of course), it would be very taxing on the system to be with the wrong person. Meanwhile, being with the right person uplifts their spirt.
And at the same time, some of the work for HSPs is embracing the peace (that could be misconstrued with boredom) that can come with a relationship that isn’t as *emotionally intense*.
You can find passion, depth, and stimulation, but it should feel grounded and safe. Think butterflies versus lightning bolts.
For me, I’m in a relationship that is exactly that.
My work is supporting sensitive singles in finding healthy, deep, soul aligned connections. I’ll be sharing tips & tools to support you in navigating the sometimes challenging but rewarding journey of being an HSP in dating & relationships.
xx Liz
