The irony explained: why HSPs are often attracted to emotionally unavailable partners
It doesn’t logically make sense right?
Highly sensitive people value deep, authentic, rich connections with other humans. Superficiality often bores them. They want to meet someone who they connect with, soul to soul.
Yet, I have seen this pattern for awhile - in myself, friends, and clients. I’ve been studying it, trying to understand - why do the people with the biggest hearts, who feel incredibly deeply, end up in these dynamics with emotionally unavailable partners?
It’s almost like they are in denial - as if they don’t see it at first, in spite of how intuitive and perceptive they are.
It’s not until after the fact that they’re like WAIT - he was never emotionally available to begin with.
So why does this happen?
NUMBER ONE: Subconsciously, many HSPs fear real intimacy
Okay, stay with me here. I know you DESIRE intimacy. I know you feel super deeply and love connecting with someone on a deep level.
But real intimacy is not just feeling deeply. Intimacy requires vulnerability (when you fear how the other person will respond or what they will think) and being fully seen (yes, your good parts and bad parts - none of us are perfect).
Because HSPs often feel like they are “weird,” “different,” “too much,” “too little,” or “shameful,” they are afraid that when someone really gets to know the real them, they’ll be judged or rejected.
So they often play a role, wear a mask, or don’t get close enough to others (let alone a partner) for someone to really see them.
PS. All of the things that you think are “weird” about you - the awkwardness, introversion, too serious, shy, etc- that’s just societal programming. None of that is shameful nor weird.
But when you are with someone emotionally available, you have no choice but to be vulnerable and to be seen - and it can be SCARY!
I recently experienced this with my man. He said he noticed that I wasn’t “fully myself” when I met a few of his friends last year. And he asked me what was going on for me in that moment.
I thought I was being subtle to be honest - I was still talkative, present, but yes…I was more reserved than I normally am.
I admitted to him that I was actually really nervous and overwhelmed in the scenario. Frankly, I was a bit embarrassed he had noticed & we were even having the conversation.
But because I’m with a man who is available & perceptive…there’s nowhere to hide. That’s what happens in an emotionally connected relationship.
NUMBER TWO: You’ve been hurt in the past & are subconsciously seeking out surface level dynamics
As a sensitive human, the highs are higher…and the lows are lower. As a result, the lows are more intensely imprinted into your subconscious. When you’ve been hurt in the past, you may subconsciously steer away from real relationships that have the potential to hurt you.
And if you are with someone emotionally unavailable, you can’t really get hurt. Because…
You can always blame the ending of the relationship on them being emotionally unavailable.
You don’t typically go deep enough to get intensely attached.
NUMBER THREE: You dislike conflict & tough conversations
Tell me if you can relate…for a long time, there was nothing more terrifying to me than someone yelling at me. Or someone being mad at me. Even gentle conflict would lead me dysregulated for days.
This is EXTREMELY common for HSPs. Most will people please to diffuse the situation - anything to avoid conflict.
They may have also experienced bottling their emotions in to such an extent that they completely exploded in a conflict - to only then be told that they’re “too much,” “crazy,” “way too sensitive.” I don’t BLAME you for avoiding conflict for dear life!
And here’s the thing - with someone emotionally unavailable…there is much less conflict. The relationship is more surfacey, so there are less feelings involved, and hence, less to argue about. I believe conflict only arises when two people actually really care about each other and are deeply intertwined. This simply can’t/doesn’t exist with someone emotionally unavailable.
NUMBER FOUR: You like fixing a “project”
Oh boy…this one was me to a T. Many HSPs are naturally extremely empathetic and actually draw their value from their ability to support others. They might believe that this is what makes them indispensable as a partner. So they DOUBLE DOWN. They seek out men that they can “fix,” and of course, an emotionally unavailable man is a prime candidate.
I will tell you all that…
I promise you offer more to a relationship than simply your empathy and loving support
If you really crave being able to support others, it’s probably just being misdirected towards men. This is in part why I took up a career as a coach & guide!
Anyways, if you can relate to this…it’s okay. Perhaps this is a hot take, but I believe that *most singles* (especially 30+) are emotionally unavailable to some degree.
Like anything, emotional unavailability is a spectrum.
It’s rare to come across completely open hearted people these days - most people are protecting their own hearts to some degree - which influences their ability to give & receive love and be open, honest, and authentic in a relationship.
If you recognize that there is a part of you that is emotionally unavailable, here are four ways you can start healing:
Acknowledge it - It sounds simple, but a lack of awareness of our own patterns is what keeps us the most stuck. A lot of people are in denial around their own emotional unavailability. Last night, a male friend shared completely openly about his own emotional unavailability - honest & raw. I actually energetically felt his heart opening during the conversation. Simply seeing this part of you, especially in the presence of another human, starts to weaken its effect.
Build up your nervous system’s tolerance for vulnerability, tough conversations, and being seen: I get that this is scary! I always advocate for exposure therapy, which means slowly exposing yourself to more and more of whatever you’re fearful of. When my man & I had a more distant relationship, I would prepare scripts of my needs and would present the issues in a very rational, calm way. That was frankly all my system could handle at the time. Gradually, I became more honest with him - less scripted, more raw, more truthful. Of course, this realness enhanced our relationship. But this doesn’t happen overnight. Take your time practicing more vulnerability, and be gentle with yourself. PS. It probably isn’t going to feel *good* right away.
Release your pain from the past: Emotional unavailability often comes from past hurts, consequentially protecting & closing your heart. I highly recommend working with a practitioner who can guide you through past hurts, allowing you to somatically release the stuck emotion, comfort your inner child (or adult!), and reframe the experiences.
Building your self esteem & accepting all sides of you: Part of the reason we don’t want someone else to see us is because we judge parts of ourselves - we believe they are unloveable and shameful (this often becomes our shadow). As you start to look at these parts, see them for their goodness (because every trait & part of you is good in a certain context), you begin to have more self acceptance.
So you might be wondering - how do I know I’m becoming more emotionally available?
Well the sure fire sign is how you respond to emotionally unavailable men.
When I started healing, I would go on dates with men who were seemingly great on paper. Kind, successful, handsome, smart. But I would come home & say to my friends, “I had fun, but I just don’t feel connected to him, like emotionally.”
I would give these men an opportunity - maybe 3-4 dates or so - but if I still didn’t feel the connection, I would cut things off.
This wasn’t me being picky - this was my body & intuition picking up on their emotional unavailability.
So reflect on each date: Do I feel emotionally connected to this person? How does my heart feel with this person?
And if you’re ready to transform your own patterns of emotional unavailability, Sensitive Heart Alchemy is about to open - this is my 1-1 offering to support you in transcending past your dating & relationship patterns to attract the healthy, deep, soul aligned relationship you’re meant for. DM me if you’re interested xx
