Why I reached out to my ex a year after we broke up

So, I shared this story on Threads (my new favorite form of social media…besides Substack of course!), and it went semi-viral. So, I figured I would go deeper on the topic with my more intimate community on Substack, in hopes that it might inspire you to realize - there are no rules in love.

But yes, spoiler alert - I reached out to my ex, in spite of him breaking up with me (!), and yes, we’re together today.

When I initially told my friends that I was getting the ping to reach out to him, they were well…not the most supportive. I knew it came from a place of love and protection for me, but here’s the thing - relationships are complex. How to navigate them is rarely black and white. Yet, there are *rules* when it comes to exes and breakups. Namely, don’t reach out if you are the dumpee. And, the man needs to initiate the reunion.

In my opinion - it depends. It always depends.

There are times when exes should not get back together - if the relationship is toxic/abusive, of course, or if there are underlying aspects of compatibility that simply don’t align.

But in reality, I’d argue that too many people breakup without actually trying to mend the problems. Each relationship has a unique set of problems. The question is, what problems do you want to work on?

Now, for my ex & I…we broke up mainly because of attachment issues and a misalignment in where we wanted to live at the time. Other than that, we couldn’t have been more in alignment from a values standpoint and an emotional, intellectual, and spiritual lens.

Meanwhile, here I am, an “expert” in attachment issues - I’m pretty much perfectly positioned, and dare I say, destined, to be in a relationship where attachment wounds are at the root of our struggles.

And while I reflected on if the relationship was capable of being mended, which I would advise anyone to do - I kept that in mind.

But let’s get back to my process of deciding to reach out…\

After we broke up, I was pretty much paralyzed, as I really did think he was my person, on every level. I was in the denial stage for a long time. But, I took the breakup as a prompt from the universe to work on myself:

• I reflected on what gap(s) he was filling in my life - safety/strength & masculine energy - this is exactly why I began running long distance, ultimately doing multiple half marathons, cultivating more strength in myself. I also double downed on my relationships with my male friends.

• I redirected my energy in our relationship to my business - I couldn’t control our relationship, but I could control my career pursuits. I committed to going full time with my business in 2024.

And I’ll say that more than anything, being an entrepreneur has given me a level of resilience and strength that I could have never cultivated on my own.

All in all though, I focused on myself. Which is like breakup advice 101.

About 7 months after we had broken up (and had nearly zero contact), I started to get the ping to reach out. But I waited - we often get the urge to reach out to exes when we are in periods of transition or are feeling vulnerable. Both were true for me.

At the same time, I started to wonder if my urges were actually my intuition speaking to me. I had dated several men since we had broken up - and my heart was truly open to finding a new connection. I was genuinely open to someone else being my soul mate.

But all of these connections ended - and honestly, I didn’t really feel a true heart centered, soul connection with any of them.

Meanwhile, I kept thinking about my ex. I drafted out many messages to him - but I never sent any of them.

Firstly, because I wanted to be certain that my message came from a place of love (on both sides) versus a fear of being alone. I had to get really clear that it was indeed him and our relationship that was right for me - not just a relationship in general. I also did shadow work on being single - as there is often shame, both consciously & subconsciously, when you are in your thirties and are single. (AND are running a dating & relationship business, for goodness sake!)

I’m also of the belief that real, sustained change doesn’t happen overnight - or even in a few months. Which is why I often recommend that people wait a year before reconsidering an ex. Give the relationship a chance to breathe. Let both parties grow. Gain perspective. Then consider if the relationship is really viable - and you still want it.

Additionally, I wanted to ensure that I wasn’t just trying to prove something by saving him or the relationship. I definitely have history of a savior complex and deriving my worth from giving or saving others. I did subconscious work around that part of me that wants to save, letting that part of me be seen and consequentially, released.

And of course, there was a part of me that wondered if I was *breaking the rules* by reaching out. That I needed to wait for him to make the move. But I decided to bypass the rule book.

With all of that, it wasn’t until about the 11 month mark that I finally felt ready to reach out.

In fact, it was a random day that my intuition spoke to me - I heard quite clearly - reach out at exactly 8P MST. Interestingly, according to him, it was indeed the exact perfect moment to reach out.

You’re probably wondering - what did I say? I sent a very casual message as a “temperature check.” Since we had minimal contact, I had no idea where he was or if he was dating anyone. When he responded positively, I took note, but I didn’t take any major action.

A month later, when things hadn’t progressed past the initial series of messages, I decided okay - I know this is against every single rule in the dating book, but I’m just going to be quite direct with this man and tell him how I feel. And ask him where his head (and heart) are at.

This took a lot of courage on my end. And MAJOR vulnerability. I was fully prepared to get rejected, to look like a complete idiot. To prove all of my friends right.

HSPs are often *extra* cautious when it comes to making big moves like this. So I truly had to go against all of my natural instincts and patterns.

But I decided that the highest self worth version of me puts her heart out there. She takes risks. She is brave enough to share her truth and hold herself no matter what the outcome is.

And what happened?

His response was everything I hoped to hear. Because btw, men have fears too!!! Of course, it wasn’t until we re-connected in person that we both realized that it was right for us to come back together. There’s way more to the story, but that’s all I’ll share for today.

I’m fully aware that in many ways, our story is the exception to “the rule.” I’m also fully aware that it might not work out! But in another sense…it makes me wonder if people simply have too much pride or lack the vulnerability to follow the tugs of their heart strings.

The good news about exes is that you already are aware of the issues in the relationship - and one of the first things we did was break down the relationship and commit to much more honesty when things came up. In other words, we are very much doing the relationship differently rather than falling back into our same patterns, which of course takes awareness and effort on both sides.

I share this story not to necessarily say - go reach out to your ex! But rather, notice where your heart is directing you. Get curious about its whispers. Notice its blockages. And perhaps more importantly, know that there are no rules in love.

Sensitive humans are uniquely designed to have innately sharp intuition. Much of my work with clients is about helping them to reconnect to their own desires and their own truth. When it comes to love, your intuition is your compass. Assuming that it is not riddled in societal expectations, well meaning friends & family member’s advice or fear. If it is, that’s what subconscious reprogramming is for (my specialty).

With that, I invite you to my brand new 1-1 program - Sensitive Heart Alchemy. A 16 week container where I’ll guide you in rewiring your subconscious mind through somatic-hypnosis to call in the healthy, soul aligned relationship you are desiring. In many ways, finding your person is a process of undoing - the fears, the programming, and the beliefs. So your magic & gifts can come to the surface. I would be honored to be your guide in the journey.