How I Broke my Situationship Habit...and How You Can Too.
Ok so I want to start off by normalizing that so many sensitive humans get stuck in the situationship cycle…many times, unbeknownst to themselves.
I would actually say that sensitive humans are more susceptible to situationships, for a few reasons:
`They often struggle knowing & feeling into needs and boundaries - They can be so focused on the other person, that they disconnect from their own desires or potentially just put them on the backburner. Also because of how empathetic, understanding, and patient they can be, they often will give others much more leeway, again, sometimes at the expense of themselves.
They are picky with potential partners, so when they find someone they like - they will hold on tightly - Because of their own sensitivities to others’ emotions, energies, and physicalities, they often will be extremely selective. Which in of itself is not a bad thing, but, I do see that it can put them in a state of scarcity when it comes to love. I often hear, “I rarely ever like anyone.” Or “I only find someone I’m actually into every few years.” Because of this mentality, they can hold on more tightly to relationships that actually aren’t serving them.
They are subconsciously seeking out “projects” to fix. HSPs often turn into therapists in dating dynamics, and they will subconsciously seek out some of the “toughest cases” to prove their own worth and attempt to make themselves indispensable. This was me to a T! I call this misdirected energy. If you have a calling to help and support others, you might find yourself expressing it in the wrong places - often with emotionally unavailable or unhealthy partners.
They get so caught up in the emotional highs, they can struggle to be objective - Like I’ve shared, HSPs feel everything more intensely. And much of the time, those feelings of deep, soul level, emotional connection will outweigh any *red flags* in the relationship. They will make excuses galore, once again, because of their ability to empathize with why another person might be behaving in such way.
And yes, part of the reason I understand this dynamic oh so deeply is because, Hello It Was Me!
From 23-30, I was literally only single or in situationships. After having two boyfriends in my college era, I legitimately spent the entirety of my young adult life bouncing around from situationship to situationship, with a PR of 2 years in a single situationship lol.
Call me a situationship addict - I couldn’t stop!
In many cases, I naively believed that these dynamics would eventually turn into relationships, if I only tried a bit harder, stuck it out, created an even safer space. Who can relate!?
Spoiler alert: these dynamics only left me feeling heartbroken, questioning myself, and believing that I probably would be alone forever.
And I don’t share this to gain sympathy - more so to expand you if you also have been single for a longggg time, outside of situationships.
Because at age 30, I finally called in a wonderful man who actually wanted to be with me, and here at age 31 - I can finally say confidently that I’ve broken my situationship habit.
And…you can too.
Let me know if you’re ready to make an early 2025 New Years Resolution - NO MORE SITUATIONSHIPS!!!
Because the truth is, having a clear no is much more important than a clear yes.
The faster you can clear out unhealthy, unserious, or emotionally unavailable partners, the more space you can make for your dream partner.
And on a spiritual level, I believe that when we don’t have sustained space for something new (and better) to come in, the universe won’t send us what we desire.
The proof is in the pudding for me - I was completely single for SEVEN MONTHS before my man came in. And when I say completely single, I mean nothing past a first date. Ok I think there was one second date, but otherwise, literally it was crickets.
But ok - you’re probably wondering, what do I need to DO to break my situationship habit and make space for my dream person?
NUMBER ONE: You need to get damn good at spotting the unavailable partners.
There are two ways to do this - through the body and through the wisdom of the past.
When I say body, that is paying attention to your somatic cues. HSPs are VERY intuitive when they actually tap into themselves. Which can be tough when they are disassociated/frozen (occurs during people pleasing or overwhelm) or hyper focused on another person.
So what you need to do is re-establish your connection to self during dates and interactions with others.
Notice in the moment…
What am I picking up from their energy? Is there a sense of closed off or distance? Now, of course, it’s normal for someone to have nerves or fears, but many times, that closed off energy is an indicator of an unavailable heart.
How does my heart feel? Is there an opening? A sense of connection? Love can only flow freely when both hearts are open. Do you feel seen, heard and felt and connected on a heart to heart level?
How is your nervous system responding? Notice the way your body is in their presence - are you relaxed and soft? Or are you stiff, jittery, tense? When you really tune in (and don’t drink too much alcohol…) you’ll notice that your body gives a lot away. And of course, all this tension generally indicates another person’s lack of safety or availability for you to show yourself.
Now I say all of this with an asterisk because of course, sometimes our bodies can be misleading due to our own unresolved traumas and fears. Which is why I highly working 1-1 with a practitioner (aka me!!!) who can support you in releasing the subconscious wounds that block you from having a clear vessel of feeling, in an accurate way.
And then as far as your wisdom from the past - consider what red flags you missed with past situationships. These come in the form of both his/her behavior as well as YOUR behavior. We often behave in predictable (yet personalized) ways in response to unsafe situations.
For me, for example, I would turn into a therapist. So I kept note of that and would notice in certain dynamics (specifically, when the man took up tons of space and hardly showed any interest in me), how I began to transform into an unpaid therapist. Cue: me asking a million questions and trying to “help them.”
And of course, on their end, I noted some of the classic signs like inconsistent communication or planning.
Now, I don’t like to set any hard RULES around the other person’s behaviors unless it is blatantly rude, toxic, or just clear. Because for example, my man is not much of a texter. He’s also a pretty spontaneous, last minute person in general. If I had put so much weight into his texting habits, I probably would have labeled him incorrectly early on. This is where nuance and trusting your own intuition comes into play.
NUMBER TWO: Establish your boundary and FOLLOW THROUGH!
Ok here’s the thing with boundaries - we often don’t know what our boundaries are until they are crossed.
For example, when I experienced my first long term situationship (lol) at age 25, I actually didn’t know it was possible for a man to drag someone along for two years without a label.
So it wasn’t until after that situation that I realized, ok…I think after 2 months I need clarity that we are “rowing in the same direction.” And after 3 months, I need clarity on whether we are together or not.
And like I’ve said, I’m not someone who likes to have rules or rigid timelines with love. But I find that when you are breaking a habit, these types of numerical guidelines can be helpful.
So it’s not only knowing the boundary but then of course, the follow through. Which admittedly, I have not always been good at.
After that 2 year situationship ended at age 27, I got into another situationship at age 28.
And while I did attempt to set the boundary, I continued to allow for the excuses like “I like to take things slow.” “Why don’t we just go with the flow?” “We’ve only been seeing each other for 3 months, let’s just take our time (even though we travelled across the country together for nearly 2 weeks…lol)
So I challenge you - know your boundary and follow through.
That will lead to more respect from potential partners AND it will lead to more self respect.
So what I encourage you to do is to feel into each dynamic, and at the 6-8 week mark, ask yourself, do all of the signs point to this moving towards something long term? And, of course, do I want this relationship as a long term thing?
If you are sure of your intentions but you are unsure of his, I invite you to clarify with him.
I don’t love to give lines or scripts, as I think finding your own authentic expression is really what you should be working on, but as inspiration, I have said things like “I just want to make sure we’re both rowing in the same direction. I’m looking for a long term partner, what are you looking for at this stage in life?”
So I know that might be a lot to take in. But, if you can master the awareness & the boundaries, that is a damn good start to breaking your situationship habit in 2025.
That being said… if you still have subconscious beliefs or fears around love, you will experience more resistance to taking this type of action and energetically, you’ll still be operating at a lower frequency.
How do you know if you have blocks?
Well, if you struggle to muster the courage to set the boundary or keep finding yourself in the same unavailable, dead end dynamics, in spite of attempts to break the pattern, you have subconscious blocks.
The subconscious is not the enemy though - your subconscious is always trying to protect you. Based on childhood experiences and adult relationship dynamics, it may be wired to believe that it is UNSAFE to communicate, UNSAFE to be alone or UNSAFE to be with someone, gasp, HEALTHY!
Because when you are with someone healthy, they see all of you, which can be terrifying. I wrote more about this concept here.
I don’t say this to discourage you, but actually to expand you to the idea that the real magic happens when you match the outer work with the inner work.
And the inner work is not just journaling and doing a few meditations.
The subconscious responds to imagery, emotions, and repetition - which is why inner work like Hypnotherapy is the perfect modality for the subconscious.
When you rewire your subconscious to embody beliefs that communication is SAFE, and you are WORTHY of a healthy, deep, reciprocal love, your external reality changes.
Take it from me - this is the exact work that changed my life, inspiring me to getting my license in Hypnotherapy, and leading 100+ clients through reprogramming their subconscious minds.
