If you never meet anyone you like...here's why.
I hear this a LOT…
“I only like someone every few years.”
“I hardly ever like anyone, but when I do, I fall HARD.”
Can you relate?
Rewind a few years ago, and I sure could.
Yet, if this is your situation, and you’re ready to call someone in (or so you think!), there are three reasons you’re struggling to attract partners you are actually into.
ONE: You aren’t being fully authentic.
I know authenticity is a buzzword, but truthfully - most people are not being fully authentic. They’re hiding certain sides of themselves (for example, emotions, sensitivity, creative or spiritual interests), or they wear social masks (people pleasing, not stating their true opinions.)
When I lived in New York City in my late 20s, pretty much the only archetype I attracted were rich bankers. Usually super funny, smart…and emotionally cut off.
Sure, you could say, well, that’s NYC men in a nutshell, but come on - NYC is the biggest, most diverse city in the country. There were plenty of men that were deeper, more spiritual, yet still masculine & intellectual running around the city - I just didn’t attract them (not have access to them, which we’ll get to in a sec).
Why did I attract these men?
Because we attract from our external expressions (and internal landscapes).
And because I was only leading with one side: my east coast, intellectual, fast talking, witty banter side, I attracted men that resonated with those parts of me.
This isn’t a false self by any means - this is a part of me. But it’s not all of me. It’s a lighter side of me, and something that I’ve led with pretty much my entire life to fit in to my environments - a traditional upbringing, an Ivy League School and the Corporate world.
It was only when I moved to Denver and said - ok, I’m letting the deeper, artistic, more soulful, emotional & spiritual side emerge that I began attracting deeper men.
Tangibly, how did I do this? Well, I re-designed my dating app profile. I started talking about self development (and astrology!) at parties (even with people who I thought could never relate), and I called in a tribe of friends who also were spiritual and into healing work too, which allowed me to meet more compatible friends of friends.
So if you aren’t attracting the type of man you want, ask yourself:
What side are you leading with in dating (and LIFE!)?
What selves are you not bringing to the forefront, and how can you start showcasing them more?
TWO: Your fear of intimacy is running the show
I’ve talked about how having a fear of intimacy tends to be a big blind spot for women. Fear of intimacy often manifests as pickiness, especially with superficial aspects.
Here’s the thing - if you are sensitive, you are more suspectible to being picky because you are picking up on subtelties in your environment (including within other humans) - and some of these aspects may annoy you or even disgust you.
But truthfully, the things we are turned off by in others is often just our own shadow. AKA: The parts of self we repress or hide because we believe they are shameful or unloveable.
For example, perhaps you are very turned off by a man who has extra belly fat. I would invite you to flip the script here: how do YOU feel about your own body? How would you feel if you gained weight?
As a non-physical example, maybe you are put off by someone who is a little awkward, not the smoothest talker. To flip this one, how much pressure do YOU put on yourself to be socially adept, poised, and charismatic?
In many cases, when we become more accepting of the parts of self that we don’t like or believe are shameful/unloveable, we become naturally less critical of others.
Another thing I see is that when uncomfortable things come up - whether its a communication issue, his messy space, unhealthy eating habits, or even his emotions(!), people will chalk it up to “not being the right fit,” when in reality, this is actually a way to avoid intimacy.
Intimacy is about working through misunderstandings, incompatibilities, and concerns, as well as accepting another for their shortcomings - you aren’t going to find someone who is perfect. So challenge yourself to have the tougher conversations with the pretty great person who is in front of you instead of trying to find someone else.
With all of this being said, I often encourage sensitive humans to be selective, as their energy is typically more impacted by a relationship than a non-sensitive person.
So the key is not to just be open to everyone, swinging to the completely opposite side of the spectrum, but rather, to challenge your moments of pickiness.
When you come across something you don’t like in a potential partner, ask yourself:
Is this a core need that is essential to my values? If so, is this something that could be compromised on?
Have I talked to him about this yet? If not, what am I afraid of?
Where am I judging this behaviors in myself? (That’s your shadow, baby!)
THREE: You have heart blockages
When your heart is closed, you actually might miss the connections right there in front of you. You simply are not open to the flow of love - which is a two way street.
How do you know that you have heart blockages? Well, like I said, rarely being attracted to anyone is one major sign, but also, chronic singleness or attracting emotionally unavailable partners (who typically also have heart blockages).
Take it from me, my heart had been in a state of self-protection for many years…and it still does close off sometimes!
Typically, we self protect because of subconscious fears of rejection.
To contextualize this, last year, there was a man who I had met years prior, who had consistently been in my sphere. But, we had never connected because well, I had some judgments about him. He probably had some judgments about me. And I resisted initating with him because frankly, I didn’t want to get rejected.
Yet, when I opened my own heart and decided to initate conversation with him anyways, we ended up connecting immediately, realizing how similar we were, going deep about our childhood wounds (my favorite date subject lol), and realizing we were attracted to one another.
Interestingly, he even articulated that he noticed a major shift in my energy, which is what drew him to me.
At the end of the day, attraction is mostly about energy.
When your heart is open and you are courageously initiating with and receiving the goodness in the people around you, you’ll end up having more suitors to pick from. And most importantly, you will have more openness to these suitors.
If you recognize some of these heart blockages, it’s ok - most of us have them! The work involves removing the subconscious wounds that prevent you from opening your heart (typically around rejection, lack of trust and fears of intimacy) as well as working with the heart chakra to create more expansion and vitality.
