When you Master this Skill, you'll Stop Dating Emotionally Unavailable Partners
I feel like “emotionally unavailable men” is a new species given how much real estate it takes up in my Instagram feed, lol.
And I get it - especially if you are dating 30+, a lot of the dating market is unavailable.
I mean that’s why they’re single!
Yet, we all are wired for connection, and it makes sense why unavailable singles still seek dating experiences…short term at least.
I’ve said this before, but it bears repeating - I don’t believe you attract emotionally unavailable partners. But you do CHOOSE to date them (sometimes because they are subconsciously safer).
When I polled my audience this past week, 50% of people said their most common dating dynamic is situationships with emotionally unavailable partners. (Compared to being chronically single, unhealthy relationships, and getting broken up with at the 2-4 month mark).
And most people fall into two camps:
Continue to date without awareness or self-empowerment and fall into the same emotionally unavailable dead end relationships
Become hypervigilent with red flags and assume that any “indiscretion” is a sign that the man is emotionally unavailable.
Both keep you single.
Obviously, if you waste your time with these dynamics, you don’t have space to call in a healthy partner. And it hurts your self worth overtime, reinforcing the subconscious narrative that “no one ever chooses you.”
Meanwhile, being hypervigilent puts you in a space of assuming, judging, and attempting to mind read - this is all out of self protection, but it can actually lead to missing potential partners.
So what’s the solution?
It’s mastering the skill of expression.
To do this, you need to first stay aware and get curious about behaviors and situations that make you feel sad, weird, uncomfortable, angry, and confused rather than brushing them off or assuming the worst.
And learning how to express your feelings in a way that is graceful, mature, and clear.
When you express, it creates awareness on both sides. You are highlighting a potential incompatibility, you are bringing light to his potential inability to be a true partner to you.
And truthfully, most unavailables are not trying to hurt you. They are just unconscious. Your consciousness is the key to breaking the cycle here.
When you express, you get to see how he responds. Both verbally, in the moment, as well as after - does he shift his behaviors at all?
If he doesn’t, that’s another data point for you. An actual source of truth versus your projection or assumption.
Let me give you an example…
A few years ago, I was dating a man I really liked. Initially, things were great - the communication was consistent, he planned thoughtful dates, and he created a lot of space for me to share my feelings and thoughts.
Up until he went to Florida for the week - and I didn’t hear from him at all.
When he got back, he finally texted me and asked me out to dinner.
I agreed to go, but I felt weird about the lapse in communication. I had been anxious all week about it.
In the past, I may have let it slide, but rather, during dinner, I waited for a break in the conversation and said to him, “I’ll be honest, I got a little nervous when I didn’t hear from you last week. I know you were on vacation, but we’ve been pretty consistent with our communication, so I was confused when I didn’t hear from you. I’m at the point in my life where I’m looking for a serious relationship. We’ve been dating for about two months now, and I just want to make sure we are both rowing in the same direction.”
What happened? It opened up a conversation around his fears of commitment, his Avoidant tendencies, and his lengthy single period.
And we mutually called in quits a few days later.
That might sound like the opposite of a success story, but for me it was.
Because if I hadn’t said anything, we likely would have continued down this dead end road for months.
And, the conversation gave me confidence and a new level of self worth.
Truthfully, it’s moment like these that build your resiliency and your inner value. Because when you truly love and respect yourself, you honor your feelings, while also acknowledging that you don’t know the entire story yet.
So if you really want to stop dating emotionally unavailable partners, you need to be connected enough to yourself to feel when things are off, and EXPRESS. Don’t assume, express.
And express in a way that is classy, grounded, and heartfelt.
This all sounds great right?
But why don’t people do it? Three reasons:
They are disconnected from their feelings and are unaware when things are off.
They gaslight themselves & discredit their feelings, making up excuses for him
They are afraid to communicate because they’ve pushed men away in the past by expressing yourself or because you’re afraid of the response.
If you relate to these challenges, that’s where I can support you.
Because you can know what to say, but if you don’t say it, it's useless.
And if you say it in a charged, triggered way, it’s not going to land.
So let’s do this - 2025 is the year that you break this pattern for good <3
