Why Men Pull Away...and How to Navigate It In a High Self Worth Way.
We’ve all been there…you finally meet a guy you like, and he seems to be super into you too. The conversation flows effortlessly, you make each other laugh, and he always texts you to make sure you got home okay - such a gentleman! He sends you flirty texts throughout the week, he takes you out to Italian on Friday nights, and you start to wonder - “Have I met the one?”
And as soon as you have that thought, it’s almost as if he heard you declare his soulmate potential… Or maybe the universe is just playing yet another joke on you…because all of a sudden, his energy starts to shift. His texts slow down. He doesn’t seem as enthusiastic to see you, and he postpones a date you were supposed to go on this weekend.
You start overanalyzing to the umpth degree, wondering what the heck you did wrong. You replay your last dates, trying to figure out the moment when things changed.
Okay, so I have good news and bad news.
The good news is that men DO pull away for reasons that actually don’t have anything to do with their feelings for you.
The BAD news is that men also pull away because their feelings change or because they don’t see long term relationship potential with you.
I’m going to fill you in on these exact reasons and share what you can do to navigate the pull away in a high self worth way. In fact, when you play things right, he may even like you MORE. And no, this does not involve actually playing games of any sort.
But first of all, I want to reassure you - I have 10000% been there before, so I know how confusing, frustrating, anxiety inducing, and even devastating it can feel.
I too have been guilty of spending way too long googling “Why Men Pull Away.”
And my boyfriend STILL pulls away sometimes! Not because he doesn’t like me, but because of some of the reasons I’ll share in a sec.
When we first started dating, I was constantly anxious when I felt his energy shift, and I would bring it up to him, only for him to reassure me that nothing was going on. I was convinced he was lying!
At one point, he sat me down and articulated exactly what went on his head when he got more “distant,” and it gave me so much more ease, security, and peace in the relationship.
So many of us misinterpret the distance, and it causes us to go literally insane.
And the insane, anxious, tense feelings are what cause us to behave in ways that are well, not the most attractive, and can ultimately sabotage relationships with great potential.
Know that MOST women respond in an anxious way. Whether you consider yourself “Anxiously Attached” or not, most feminine beings are wired to seek love and connection over everything, and it can feel extremely unsafe when that connection is jeopardized.
So let’s get into it so you can navigate these situations in the opposite way - a high self worth, attractive, empowered way which is exactly what makes him go, “Woah…there’s something different about her.
4 Reasons Men Pull Away that Have NOTHING to Do With Their Feelings For You:
ONE: He is legitimately preoccupied with work or personal matters
Men with more masculine energy tend to have a one track mind. This means that they often become very tunnel visioned in what they’re doing. Of course, this can be extremely useful - it’s why a man may be successful in his career or incredibly disciplined at the gym. But he may also find multi-tasking challenging - in this case, reaching out to you.
My boyfriend has corrected me when I’ve tried to explain this before - it’s not that the man forgets to text you or isn’t thinking about you, it’s just that his mental space is preoccupied with another task. In some cases, multiple tasks if he’s juggling both work and personal matters. If you are dating a man who is career driven or really just has a good amount of masculine, focused, disciplined energy, you’ll probably experience cycles when he pulls away.
How to handle it: Don’t freak out if a guy doesn’t text you for a day or two. Or even if his responses are shorter or less enthusiastic! Chances are, he’ll reach out to you once he has more mental bandwidth. In the meantime, process any trigger or emotions you’re experiencing and move into high self worth energy. If you need support in doing this, I teach my clients a 4 step trigger practice in my private coaching so they can move through these situations with more ease and empowerment. When you do this successfully, it DOES increase his attraction to you! Because every man loves an independent woman who doesn’t need him to be okay.
TWO: He is going through the inevitable “Uncertainty” Phase of dating
If you are familiar with John Gray, he talks about a part of the male dating cycle called the Uncertainty Phase. He claims that all men MUST go through it before commitment. Essentially, after a man experiences attraction to you, he pulls away to evaluate the connection to see if he desires to move forward. He needs space and distance to think clearly and make a rational decision. He cannot do this if he is still in your “bubble.”
How to handle it: Undeniably, feeling like someone is evaluating you is triggering! BUT, you should also be evaluating him. That’s what dating is. Take this time to write down all of the things you like about him and all of the things you feel uncertain about HIM. That will allow you to stay more grounded AND think clearly! Space really can be a blessinge. Being away from him can help you decide whether he’s the type of man you want to continue to pursue.
THREE: You’ve had a lot of intimacy, and he needs time to recharge & reconnect with his masculine freedom
Unlike women with a strong feminine energy, masculine men get fueled by being in their own space, being alone, working on their mission, and hanging out with the bros. While he loves his time with you, it actually takes him out of masculine energy and literally impacts his hormonal composition. In order to rebalance and reconnect with his masculinity, he may pull away after a period of intimacy with you. If you’re curious to learn more about this dynamic, John Gray’s books cover this dynamic in depth.
How to handle it: If you are craving more connection while he pulls away, go spend time with girlfriends. Or focus on self care - go get your nails done, go shopping, take a day trip, hit a pilates class and happy hour, etc. This is a great opportunity to reconnect with yourself & your girlfriends rather than getting caught in allowing him to be your only source of connection and joy.
FOUR: Things were getting more serious, and he realized he was not really available for the type of connection you desired
A hard truth of dating, especially when you’re 30+, is that many of the seemingly “great guys” are emotionally unavailable. That’s why they’re hott, successful, charismatic, and single. Often, there are signs you can spot right away and certainly throughout the course of dating, but as the connection grows, if he’s a good man, he will also notice that he’s not available for the connection you desire.
That’s why when you start talking about emotions, going to your best friend’s wedding, or planning a weekend getaway, he might start getting skittish. It’s not that you’re pressuring him or even that he doesn’t want to do those things, but he knows what comes with increasing intimacy - all of the fears that he’s been avoiding! He may have thought he was ready to really commit to someone, but often its these moments where he has an instinctual response - “I can’t do this.”
How to handle it: Of course, this is incredibly disappointing. If you notice a man pulling away for a weekish, especially if there was some type of conversation or event that furthered the relationship (ie. a sleepover), I recommend bringing it up to him (assuming that you’ve been seeing each other for at least a month). You can share that you desire a committed relationship and you know that you’re still getting to know each other, but you’re curious if that’s what he desires at this point in his life. Be willing to walk away depending on what he says.
3 Reasons that he Pulls Away That Are Related to You (but are mostly not even in your control!!)
ONE: He was experiencing “pressure”
I know this one may be hard to hear, but I’m being honest with you because it will impact a healthy man’s attraction to you. When he feels you becoming overly invested, and jumping ahead in the early dating stages, it makes him feel weird. He starts to feel like he’s going to be trapped in something that he isn’t ready for. He may also wonder why you’ve attached yourself so quickly, in spite of him not investing a whole lot yet - he may start to wonder if he can do “better” than you.
You may also have moved from a space of calm, cool, and collected energy to anxiety, overthinking, insecurity, and people pleasing. Subconsciously, you are pedestalizing him, and while of course, men want to be wanted and admired, if you are placing him above you in your mind (or in real life!), he’s going to feel it. Ultimately, men are looking for a woman who knows she is high value (ps - you decide that!) who can stand her ground and honor herself, her needs, values, and desires.
How to handle this: As best you can, try to avoid getting overly invested in a man you hardly know. There are multiple ways to handle this - you can date multiple men at once, fill your life with lots of things that light you up, and use other cognitive and subconscious techniques to create a level of detachment. This is the exact work I do with clients in my private coaching. Now, if you have already pushed him away, your best course of action is to let him be. Move through the trigger, forgive yourself from getting so caught up with him, focus on yourself, and he may come back. If he does come back, move much more slowly with him this time around.
TWO: He realized you aren’t compatible
There’s so much more to a relationship than chemistry and attraction, and while women often rationally know that, many times, they can’t think clearly with the rush of chemicals. Not to say that men also don’t experience this, but I’ve observed that men who are serious about finding a connection tend to be a bit more rational in assessing “Can I really provide this woman what she needs? Will I be successful as man in this relationship? Is this woman a good match for the life I want to live?” The answer might be no if you have differences in finances, lifestyle, family planning, religion, politics, etc.
How to handle it Recognize that this actually has nothing to do with your worth; you’re simply not a good fit for him. And he is not a good fit for you. At some point, you’ll be grateful that the nomadic, travelling man cut it off with you, given that your dream is to buy a house on the ocean.
THREE: You did something that turned him off
A real but unfortunate part of dating is how quickly we judge one another. Often for more superficial things that we *think* indicate incompatibilities or are simply unattractive. Men have told me that they’ve broken up with a woman because she took Instagrams of her food. Because she texted at the dinner table. Because she had hair in her bathroom sink. Because she had crystals in her bedroom. Frankly, a lot of this is out of your control. Plus, you don’t want a man who expects you to be perfect or is so quick to judge. Take it as a blessing.
How to handle it: Of course, it’s good to be self aware, but I’m always more curious to understand why you’re attracted to judgmental, critical, perfectionistic guys in the first place. This is what I’d invite you to explore-rather than trying to fix yourself.
If you find yourself in a cycle of men pulling away, causing you to become anxious and to overthink your interactions endlessly, it’s time to choose a new way. You won’t only find more success in dating & relationships, but you'll also have more space to invest in your career. You’ll feel more peace, groundedness, and inner security DAILY.
My approach combines somatic work, inner child healing, and practical dating guidance to help you shift your anxiety in dating on a cellular level.
If you’re ready to invest in yourself, apply to work with me privately in Relationship Alchemy.
