Do Opposites Really Attract?
The age-old question, am I right!?
Last night, my boyfriend and I started discussing this exact topic, sitting on his couch eating homemade spaghetti and meatballs (yum!) At one point he paused and said, “But you and I…we’re pretty similar aren’t we?
And in so many ways…we are. We’re both independent, yet strongly value our connections. We’re both highly sensitive people. We’re both extremely cerebral and love intellectual conversations and human psychology. We’re both ambitious, introspective, and self-growth oriented. We’re both good communicators. And we’re both fairly secure within ourselves.
And, we’re both major people pleasers and are known to overthink until our brains burst. But we’re *working on it,* lol. (IDK if I’ll ever not live in my head).
Ok that sounded like a major humble brag, but the point of this is not to say that either of us are perfect. My point is - we’re both pretty psychologically healthy, secure and whole within ourselves which is exactly why we’re an energetic match. This is why we attracted each other.
He treats me like a queen, making me breakfast & coffee on Sundays, walking my dog, buying my favorite organic wine, sending me little gifts — but that’s only because I treated myself like a queen first.
When it comes to attraction patterns, people typically attract romantic partners in one of two ways:
They attract someone who mirrors their own traits and behaviors
They attract someone who embodies what they feel they're missing or have repressed (ie. opposites attract)
Let’s break down these other two effects:
The Mirror Effect
You will often attract someone who mirrors your qualities and behaviors, both positive and negative.
This is due to the familiarity principle in psychology - we like what is familiar to us because it feels safer.
So you will often seek out someone who is similar to you - for better and for worse.
For example, if you’re self critical, you may attract someone equally self critical (which means they will almost definitely be critical of you).
So if you aren’t attracting what you desire, the first question to ask is how are you embodying those traits or behaviors? And how might you shift these ways of being?
The Opposites Attract Effect
The other possibility is that you’ll attract someone who is opposite to you.
I generally find that this occurs when people have repressed certain aspects of self or lifestyles that they desire. Their psyche looks to create wholeness by filling in the gaps with someone who embodies these traits or lifestyles in attempts to live vicariously through them.
I certainly experienced this in my twenties when I was less socially confident and would always attract highly charismatic, social butterfly men.
Some other examples of this effect:
Someone very rigid and routined attracting someone hyper spontaneous and flaky
Someone very controlling attracting someone irresponsible
Someone very sweet and giving attracting someone more selfish and narcissistic.
Someone who desires to be an artist is attracted to an artist
Someone who desires to travel attracts someone nomadic
You get the picture.
So, if you’re attracting a quality you don’t like, ask yourself, how are you embodying the opposite? And how can you develop the opposing trait to create more wholeness and balance within yourself?
How this applies to attracting emotional unavailable men
You know this is my hot topic nowadays, so let me show you the application here. If you attract unavailable men, you likely are:
Emotionally unavailable to yourself - self critical and disconnected from yourself - the Mirror Effect
Overly focused and available to others - to the point where you make excuses for poor behavior, pedestalize, self abandon to give energy or resources to others - the Opposites Attract Effect
Or, maybe you embody both or fluctuate between the two.
For me, when I was attracting unavailable men, I fell into both of these patterns. Criticizing myself over flubbing a social interaction while also making excuses about why he hadn’t committed, even though we had been “dating” for 5+ months.
All in all, the type of partner you attract often reflects your relationship with yourself.
Healthy, balanced individuals tend to attract similar partners, while unresolved issues or repressed desires can lead to attracting either similar struggles or their opposite extremes.
Frankly, when I discovered this, I actually breathed a sigh of relief.
For so many years, I had been trying to follow various dating rules around delaying my text responses, subtly making men jealous, trying to appear busy, or leaning back into my *feminine energy.*
It was exhausting.
When I discovered that attraction patterns come from within, I was like PHEW.
So I just get to actually focus on being more self loving, courageous, authentic, and connected, and I’ll find the man and relationship I’ve always desired? No texting rules needed?
YUP. And that’s exactly what happened to me.
So whether you're seeing yourself in the Mirror Effect, the Opposites Attract Effect, or both, remember that your attraction patterns aren't random. AND they also don’t have to be your destiny.
They're simply signposts pointing you towards your specific path of growth and healing. Ultimately, the partner you attract is reflecting back something about your relationship with yourself.
And the good news is - once you understand these patterns, you have the power to change them. This looks like turning inward, getting curious about these patterns, and committing to your own emotional availability and wholeness through subconscious healing & congitive techniques.
So if you’re ready for this — I have just the thing for you.
Throughout my own healing journey, I discovered specific tools and practices that helped me break free from attracting unavailable men - tools that I now share with other women who are ready to transform their own relationship patterns.
This is exactly why I’m creating the course Breaking Free of Unavailable Men
Because I've walked this path, and I know that with the right guidance, you can shift these patterns too.
Whether he is reflecting back your own unavailability or your tendency to be overly available to another, he is actually the perfect catalyst for you to become more whole, self loving, and emotionally available from within - through inner child healing, subconscious rewiring, and cognitive, action oriented strategies.
When you do that, you’ll naturally attract higher quality, healthy, balanced partners.
In Breaking Free of Unavailable Men, I’ll teach you:
The 6 core patterns that explain why you attract unavailable men & the subconscious roadmap to heal these patterns
3 ways to enhance your own emotional availability through developing a stronger connection to self, compassion, and acceptance
How to detect red flags and unavailability using your personalized history and cues from the wisdom of your body
Doors open in about 2 weeks - anyone on the waitlist will receive a special discount. Join the waitlist HERE.
