How to identify a love bomb
“You seem really mature and you’re a great communicator. Those are two things that I’m looking for in a partner. I know this sounds crazy but this is the best first date that I’ve ever been on.”
Those were the words from my Friday afternoon date - I had taken an extra long lunch break in order to squeeze in yet another Hinge date. I had changed my approach to only accept coffees and walks for first dates, as the lengthy meals and boozy nights out with disappointing prospects were starting to wear on me, both physically and emotionally. But this one seemed promising. I certainly wasn’t used to being genuinely complimented on my character or personality, ESPECIALLY in a sober context.
Of course, I was skeptical. “Best first date?!” I retorted. “You’re very charming. And you’re in Sales. Nice try.”
“I’m serious!” He said back with a smile. “This just felt natural. We have such an easy flow and rhythm. I’m excited about you - and I want to see you again. What about Sunday?”
Well I seriously wasn’t used to this behavior. After dating mostly emotionally unavailable men, a genuine compliment, validation of the connection, and direct communication could only mean one thing in my mind - a LOVE BOMB.
Like many, I had recently added Love Bombing to my dating repertoire after reading about the latest and greatest pop psychology term. In my mind, it translated to being skeptical of any compliment that I received on a first date.
Yet what I didn’t realize at the time was that for the first time in my dating history, I was coming face to face with a man with a Secure Attachment Style, who was simply practicing direct communication.
When you’ve only experienced detached, mysterious, indirect men who play games with your head and heart, of course anything different would trigger suspicion. However, direct communication, confidence, intentionality, and vulnerability in the early dating stages are often signs of someone who is Securely Attached - not a Love Bomber.
Luckily, I didn’t write this man off based on what I thought I knew about Love Bombs. In fact, while we ultimately parted ways due to a difference in values, this experience proved to me that this type of communication and behavior is NORMAL and actually should be considered a green flag.
So how do we identify a true Love Bomb?
With the rise of dating and relationship content all over social media in the last few years, there is a TON of incorrect information floating around, being warped as it travels from person to person, almost like a game of telephone. Subsequently, there has been a rise in both fear and rigidity when looking at dating situations. The truth is, most situations are quite nuanced and can’t be placed into a defined box. While putting people or situations in boxes can create a perceived level of safety, as our brains deeply desire to know, understand and create clarity, I often see people misreading or looking at situations in a very black and white manner as a result. When it comes to Love Bombs, I often see my network of single friends and clients confusing a simple compliment with a full on Bomb, simply because of this incorrect information they’ve absorbed from social media.
That being said, this type of “pop psychology” can be extremely useful to create more awareness and discernment when dating. Those that experience Anxious Attachment are much more susceptible to falling for a Love Bomb (or even being accused of being a Love Bomber!), so it can be helpful to understand the signs so that you can approach situations with more rationality.
So to start off - let’s actually define Love Bombing. According to Psych Central, Love Bombing is a manipulation tactic where someone showers you with excessive amounts of affection and adoration as a way to control you.
So yes, just because someone is giving you a compliment or sharing words of affirmation on a first date does NOT mean that you are getting love bombed.
The best way to distinguish a Love Bomb from a genuine compliment is that it is unreasonable and unrealistic given the amount of time that you have spent together. In short, it is all about CONTEXT. So as we refer back to my Friday lunch dating prospect - it was fairly reasonable for him to observe my communication skills and maturity within an hour conversation. It’s reasonable for him to acknowledge the easy flow of our conversation. And certainly it would be reasonable for him to want to see me again and to articulate that.
And while his sentiment around it being “the best first date” COULD be just flattery - it IS a reasonable and realistic statement to make after a first date.
Meanwhile, if this dating prospect had told me I was the most amazing woman he had ever met, and he wanted to marry me and for me to have his children - well yes, I would say that skepticism would be warranted.
Of course, if your partner of three years said the same thing, that would be considered normal because of the time spent together. Again, it’s about context not the actual language used.
So Why are anxious attachers more susceptible to love bombs? (both giving and receiving):
They are eager to find and lock down a partner, so they may be comfortable accelerating the relationship at an above average pace.
They are often romantics so they may feel similarly about the Love Bomber’s sentiments about the budding relationship.
They may become attached quite quickly and fantasize about their future with this person very early on, which may align with the Love Bomber’s sentiments.
Because they put their dating prospects on a pedestal, they may project positive traits onto that person and miss some of the warning signs or red flags.
They are often verbally expressive and may verbalize their excitement early on, which can be mistaken for a Love Bomb.
In return, they appreciate verbal validation, as it makes them feel safe and confident that the person does in fact like them. It can be very exciting to feel like they finally found someone who sees and appreciates them (even if unrealistic/unreasonable!)
The truth is, expressing feelings early on can certainly occur without mal intent. Some people are just more verbally expressive or simply become quite excited about a promising prospect. Like I mentioned above, those that experience Anxious Attachment or tend to romanticize situations may do this completely innocently.
This is why you cannot use a one size fits all approach to assess a situation. The best thing you can do is take things slow and get to know a person overtime, rather than trying to put them into a box after a first date. Let your dating prospect earn your trust by witnessing the way that he shows up and behaves. Do his actions match his words? Is he consistent? Does he show up for you when you need him?
Let me know if you’ve experienced (or thought you’ve experienced) Love Bombing before. How did you know it was a Love Bomb vs a genuine compliment?
